My First Experience with Grief

by Katie Harding on October 3, 2022

A couple of weeks ago, Michele and I started gathering with some NorthStar women to discuss Andrea Anderson Polk’s new book, The Cuckoo Syndrome, which is excellent and very enlightening. Last week as we discussed Chapter 3 on emotions, I told the group that it’s the best explanation of emotions I’ve ever seen.

One of the chapters we’ll be discussing next is the one on grief. As I read that chapter over the weekend, I was reminded of my first experience with grief. It was a time when there wasn’t a lot of understanding on the importance of grieving loss or grief counseling.

My grandmother passed away from breast cancer when I was in eighth grade, after she and my grandfather had moved to Northern Wisconsin from Illinois only a few years before. From the time when I was little, we always had a very special bond, so although her death was expected, it was still very painful — especially since I wasn’t able to attend her funeral. For the other eight kids in our family, life went on as usual, but for me, I was in tears almost every day. So much so, that my mom consulted our medical doctor who decided the best way to deal with my grief was to medicate it.

Every time I started to cry, my mother would then say, “Go take a pill.” That lasted for all of one week because the government had just declared a “War on Drugs.” Schools began teaching about drug abuse, and one day in health class, as we watched a movie about the danger of drug addictions, there on the screen was the “pill” I was prescribed.

“...as we watched a movie about the danger of drug addictions, there on the screen was the “pill” I was prescribed.”

I was determined not to become addicted, so I decided not to take the pill anymore (because I was a young teen and didn’t understand you could take it as prescribed and not become addicted). After that, anytime my mother told me to, “Go take a pill,” I would enter my room, flop on the bed, and let the tears flow. Then I would pull out one of my Nancy Drew books to calm myself down. Soon Nancy Drew was replaced by my new children’s version of The Living Bible, and God became my comforter and my Bible my place of solace.

Through that process, I learned the necessity of grieving other losses in life as well, like the deaths of my remaining grandparents, my parents, and even several siblings. After my brother’s death last summer, I was reminded of the importance of sitting with my feelings in the loss and giving myself opportunities to cry and time to grieve. Although God gave the people of Israel thirty days to grieve the death of Moses, I have learned to give myself a year — a full year — to experience the first holidays, each month, and certain life celebrations without my loved one. I don’t rush it or feel like I need to finish it any sooner. If I need longer, I take longer, although I have found a year to be just about right for me.

“God became my comforter and my Bible my place of solace.”

I have learned over the years that losses aren’t only limited to people. Losses can even be that of relationships, employment, and even unrealized dreams. Thirty-one years ago this month, I had a double mastectomy because of breast cancer. Again, it was another loss to process. Depending on the loss, I have also learned that sometimes it’s beneficial to process the grief with a counselor, as with my brother’s death last year. It can be helpful to have someone other than family and friends to talk through the experience. In her book, Andrea says, “We grieve when we lose, even if the loss is a good thing. By facing the reality of our loss, we can grieve what has passed and embrace what we have.” And she ends her chapter on grief by helping us understand the connection between sadness and joy.

I always know my grieving season is ending when I’m finally able to sing one of my favorite songs again — the one I adapted from Psalm 30, years ago after an extended illness, and put to the tune of “Pass It On.”*

“You turned my mourning in - to, heartfelt joyful dan - cing. You took away my clothes - of mourning and clothed me with your joy. That I - might sing my prai - ses to You and not be quiet. Oh Lord my God, I give You thanks. I give You thanks forever.”

*"Pass It On" was a song written in 1969 by Kurt Kaiser for a youth musical and gained traction as a popular hymn thereafter. To listen to the tune, click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCjR4dlY33k